The Fighting Flat-Topped Fat Ass

"an academic unit dedicated to the ideals of excellence and independent thinking...
to teach those disciplined habits of mind, body and spirit that characterize educated, skilled and free human beings." -ND student athlete mission.

When comparing student athletes, Notre Dame prides itself on the conviction of the youngsters that enroll. I decided to celebrate in the strong moral fortitude shown by ND student athletes by recognizing two such individuals...


Nothing says strong moral conviction by celebrating a 23-7 loss to Michigan State like partying all night and driving on sidewalks. In all 37, fine educated, skilled and free human beings were arrested for celebrating the ass kicking MSU handed to the Irish. Why leave it all on the field when you can stay up all night celebrating the storied institution.

Police say however one got away from the party. The only description given was that it looked like a minivan on legs. They were able to follow the suspect several blocks by a trail of chicken wing bones that was left behind. The trail went cold however outside of the local KFC.

• Charlie got kicked out of an All-You-Can-Eat establishment for eating 2 quarts of mashed potatoes, 1 gallon of gravy, 39 chicken wings, 43 slices of meatloaf, and 2 lbs of roast beef. To quote Charlie, "Ridiculous!!! I hate them!!"


• Charlie got upset at 11:32 on a Saturday night when Joe brought a girl back to the dorm. When Joe caught Charlie hanging around in the room, he stuffed a dirty sweat sock in his mouth. This caused Charlie to write, "He really thinks he's something. He will not be as successful as I will be, this I VOW!! Charlie Weis will be a bigger name at Notre Dame than Joe Montana!!!" And then, "I hate him. I want to have sex with him, I mean kick his ass. I'm hungry."


• The next morning, the post read, "I don't know what happened last night. I woke up ...this morning surrounded by chicken carcasses and used condoms. I don't remember anything.... I'm hungry."

Fascinating stuff people. It really gives us an insight into what made this buffoon the buffoon he is today.

Certainly many of you are asking the same question; What the Hell is a FUPA? Quite simply, FUPA is an acronym for Fat Upper Pussy Area. Obviously, anything having to deal with a pussy is normally reserved for the female of any species, but Charlie has done such a great job of cultivating the elusive male version of this anomaly, that it has to be celebrated. In the photo at left, you'll see it circled in red. This is not to be dismissed, as it really is a "beaut."

Most men take measures to attempt to hide their lack of physical fitness (of which the FUPA is the bastard child) with loose fitting, dark colored clothing. Charlie, however, is not most men. He chooses to celebrate, and even revel in, the glory that is his FUPA. We suggest you do the same. If God be with Notre Dame, Charlie, and his FUPA, who can be against them?

Everyone, I'm just tickled to death (oops, bad choice of words) to have the opportunity to speak about what this giant tub has done to our once proud tradition. We're gonna write, write, write about what this buffet-hoovering miscreant has done to what was left of Notre Dame football. It's a disgrace, and I can't take it anymore. George Gip and I are pissed, and you're gonna hear about it.

Stay tuned for an exclusive interview with Charlie Weis as he recovers from knee surgery